Wednesday, July 23, 2008

You belong with me, not swallowed in the sea

warning: random post ahead

I feel like life is getting away from me.
Like I need to run at full speed to catch up with it.

I guess I better start.

I just want the people I love to be happy no matter what. It really gets to me when they're not. I'm told that's a fault in my personality.

Saturday night felt very weird to me. I just felt uneasy and disgusting the whole time. The way some people were behaving just made me sick.
not to mention the overabundance of awkward moments.
I wonder if that's what the boardwalk is always like and I'm just never sober enough to realize it.

i need more money. They're giving me the runaround at work and won't train me on sales and I really need that extra cash. Ugh. So stressed.

We go to vegas in a little over a week. we can't afford it. ugh

i still need to finish unpacking... alone....
god forbid i get some help with that

anyway... i'm going to the gym since apparently i am "getting out of my prime and slightly overweight"

what a douche.

Saturday night was weird.

Friday, July 11, 2008


i'm listening to a song right now that originally reminded me of a different lifetime.
it's a weird feeling it provokes.. but a good weird i guess.

i remember driving down the 210 on my way to rancho cucamonga late fall of last year after balling my eyes out for hours in the rain. I finally got a little bit of sunlight a little east of the 605 and this song came on the radio.
at the time i was gearing up to move 400 miles away and start a new chapter in my life.
i was driving to try to save the only thing i thought mattered.

i was wrong but it feels good to be wrong.
don't misunderstand me... i regret none of it. i'm not sorry for anything that has happened

that feels amazing to be able to say that and to actually believe it.

my life has felt very full lately. full AND fulfilled.
I probably shouldn't jinx myself by saying that but I am.
I mean, things are not perfect by any means, but I am very content at where I am in life.
Or at least getting there.

oh!! and i'll be 24 on sunday... see ya later health and dental insurance.

this glasshouse is burning down. you light the match and i'll stick around...

i'm excited to prove everyone wrong :]

Ten Anonymous Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People:

1. I am so glad that we finally stopped letting other people hold our friendship back. You are amazing and inspiring and one of the few people I truly trust. You are my rock and I am so blessed to have you in my life.
2. You still just do not get it. You probably never will. Do not be blindsided by small amounts of success. I am done sticking my neck out for you and playing nice. I honestly need nothing from you and I probably never will. Good luck.
3. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for seeing the good in me and waiting for it. You are so amazing and loving and ugh.. i could go on forever. I AM LUCKY and I don't care what anyone else has to say about it. I love you in ever since of the word.
4. I am so proud of everything you are becoming. You are an amazing person and I honestly hope you see and believe that.
5. The stardust will come off one day. I just hope you know I do care about you even if doesn't really matter now or then. I really honestly do hope you start to lead your own life soon instead of living through someone else. You deserve that.
6. Girl... Get your shit together. Granted, you're doing better... I just want to see you happy and HEALTHY. Christ.
7. Thanks for the good times. Thanks for the bad times. Thanks for helping me realize what i truly need from a partner. God.. I don't even want to anonymously write about you.. I just feel like it's required for some reason. Just know i feel free for the first time in a long time.
8. It's not my fault. It never was. You think no one else knows that. EVERYONE knows that. YOU ruined it. YOU killed it. Even though you won't take blame for it and will lie until your dying day... There is one person you will always have to answer to.
9. I lied for you and I've kept my mouth shut even when you didn't. I'm done being pushed around be grown ass men. I will succeed where you failed. And I know you'll watch from the sidelines the whole way.
10. HEY GET OVER IT ALREADY! Highschool was a long time ago.

Nine Things About Yourself:

1. I am determined and I really don't think people believe that
2. I really am becoming more and more content with my life
3. I'll never be a club rat
4. i have a very interesting view of religion
5. Loyalty and trust are the 2 things I value the most in any relationship.
6. I have no problem cutting ties when I need to.
7. I admire my mother more than anyone in this world.
8. I was adopted at birth
9. I have never broken a bone.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:

1. prove to me that you are loyal
2. apparently determination is a huge one haha
3. support me emotionally.
4. don't be a doormat.
5. be willing to be adventurous and spontaneous with me
6. love music. or at least understand my love for it... nah you have to love it too.
7. let me know you care about me.
8. put up with my bitch side. that's hard haha

Seven Things That Cross Your Mind A lot:

1. career
2. the industry
3. music
4. money
5. how many ways can i say the same thing here? work
6. my physical appearance
7. the people in my life

Six Things You Wish You Never Did:

1. drink so much when i was younger and do stupid shit? Even though i never did anything THAT bad. I'm just trying to think of something to write. I really am one of those people who regret NOTHING. Everything happens for a reason. Good and bad.

Five Turn Offs:

1. Overly Sensitive
2. Doormats
3. drugs
4. no motivation
5. control freaks. I'm enough of that for 2 of us haha

Four Turn Ons:

1. loyalty
2. honesty
3. he's got JOKES! haha humor
4. supportive

Three Smileys That Describe Your Life:

i have no clue

Two Things You Want To Do Before You Die:

1. reach my goals
2. settle down

One Confession:

1. I am terrified on a daily basis and constantly doubt myself but the people I surround myself with are enough to keep me going.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

you better run for the hills

before they burn

heh, i guess its a little late for that.
i'm not sure what is going to happen if the air doesn't clear up soon. Considering it's going to be 110 today and the next couple of days in the greater sacramento area this week sure isn't going to help soon.

I guess California is burning to the ground. Punishment for our sins maybe?


i've been on a huge Brand New kick again. What's new right? haha.

I can't help feeling like the people who work in the music "industry" out here are trying to freeze me out. I guess people fear the great? Obviously. Either way, I'm tired of playing nice so peoples feelings are spared. I mean, I'm not going to go out of my way to fuck with someone, but I'm not going to hold back from doing what is the most beneficial to me and the people I work for. To date, no one has really held back for me even when they said they would.

i have a good team. i have a good jumping point.
that's what everyone is failing to realize.... i have other options besides promoting.

good luck.

and i know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic. when i say lets keep in touch i mean i wish that you'd grow up.

god. i really do love brand new. you know when you can listen to a cd over and over and over and enjoy it... but one day, you put it in your cd player after not listening to it for a while and it's like an entire new experience? a cd you've never heard before in a sense? that happened to me on sunday with Deja.

i love music.
it really is what fuels me.
it's an addiction.

i'll never be able to get away from it.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

maybe one day

Saturday night was weird.
There were so many people there it was hard to have a conversation with anyone for longer than a couple of minutes. The line up was totally strange as well, but I wouldn't have changed it for the world.

Thanks to everyone for the love and support. I had no idea you guys cared that much until Andy thanked me. That act alone warmed my heart in a way I never would have expected.

I still would rather see her in the ground then in their hands any longer.

Don't mourn the end now.... You all should have mourned it at LEAST a year ago. Even longer than that.

That place has been dead for a while. They lost sight of what it used to be, what The Underground truly meant. I tried as hard as I could to keep that vision alive but there were too many forces working against me.

Never underestimate the power of church politics.

Soon it'll be nothing more than a passing memory. To most.

The Underground will always hold a place in my heart.
But, then again, it should.

Karma is a bitch.

This song will become the anthem of your underground.
You're two floors down getting high in the back room.
If I flooded out your house, do you think you'd make it out,
or would you burn up before the water filled your lungs?
And at your funeral I will sing the requiem.
I'd offer you my hand it would hurt too much to watch you die.
And you can bet when we mourn the death of you that night of you that night!
that they'll lay me on the dinner table and I will be the pig
with the apple in my mouth, the food that celebrates your end.
And at your funeral I will sing the requiem.
I'd offer you my hand, it would hurt too much to watch you die
and at your funeral I will sing the requiem
I'd offer you my hand, it would hurt too much to watch you die.