have you ever seen the light?

i wish i was creative enough to write.
like really write. not this bullshit blogging. poetry, music, something. it's insane how influenced by a song i am. i'll be doing something online and a song that i've heard a million times before will suddenly catch my attention and i'll just play it on repeate until i get my thoughts out.
i'm so weird.
or maybe not. who knows.

i'm in pasadena right now. i'm glad i've been able to see nicole but being in this town is getting under my skin, and i only got in yesterday.
now i'm counting days until i go back. if i'm here to long i think i would i have a mental and emotional break down.
god i am so glad i flew out on that thursday night. the further away the better.
when i'm in sacramento i hardly think about it, but here...
..but here.

well that's a different story.

this is his town.
not mine. i don't belong here.


i remember when i was so excited to be here, when getting away from sacramento was all i wanted.

or maybe i was just trying to run away from michael and the things he was making me feel.
either way, life has balanced it's self out, yet again.

i'm a completly different person than i was 3 weeks ago. thank god.

and the underground is shutting down. i'm excited. i'd rather see it in the ground than in their hands any longer.
and that presents exciting new things for me.
26 is too long. how about 24?
sounds good to me.
also scares the shit out of me.


ugh


i feel just out of sorts tonight.
it's going to sound super lame but this is the first time i haven't seen michael all day in a month. it's weird.

he really does make me happy.



And I'm sick of all my judges
They're so scared of letting me shine
But I know that I can make it
As long as somebody takes me home

Every now and then

hey sacramento

don't be surprised if i'm back BEFORE the summer

i'm not sure i've ever been happier 

I drank a thimble-full of fire

and i'm not ever coming back.

oh.

my.

god.

As of today, I have spent a solid week in Lincoln, living in a little hippie-esque colony.  It's been incredibly relaxing and, interestingly enough, i've been sober almost the entire time.  It's exactly what I needed to get my head back on straight. 

floating forgetfully along there is no need to be strong.

we keep our confessions long but when we pray we keep it short.

something about looking into the faces of the people who know me best, with tear-filled eyes, and having them say:

"i'm sorry christina, but i knew he wasn't the right one..."

and all the bad feelings just zipped away.

amazing.

it's crazy how one small event can make you realize you never really knew someone.

2 and half years... and you never really knew them.  somehow, even with that, it's still hard adjusting to not having them in your life.

but i'm better for it.

hopefully he will be one day to.

at least i was honest. at least i have that.

and remember.. you left me.

thank you for that.

i'm coming home sacramento.  and for the first time in my life, my pride is not getting in the way of that.  i've gotten more done here in a week than i have the entire time i've been in los angeles.

i moved for love, and i failed.  fate made my life in sacramento much more appealing at the perfect time.

who am i to argue with fate?

at least i'll never question what could have happened. 

damn. it's a good year to be 26.

i do not exist, we faithfully insist

sailing in our separate ships 

and from each tiny caravelle

tiring and trying there's unnecessary dying

like the horseshoe crab in its proper seasons sheds its shell

such distance from our friends

like a scratch across a lens,

made everything look wrong from anywhere we stood

and our paper blew away before we'd left the bay,

so half-blind we wrote these songs on sheets of salty wood

caught me making eyes at the other boatman's wives,

and heard me laughing louder at the jokes told by their daughters

i'd set my course for land,

but you well understand

it takes a steady hand to navigate adulterous waters

the propeller's spinning blades held acquaintance with the waves

as there's mistakes i've made no rowing could outrun

the cloth blowing on the mast like to say i've got no past

but i'm nonetheless the librarian and secretary's son

with tarnish on my brass and mildew on my glass,

i'd never want someone so crass as to want someone like me

but a few leagues off the shore, i bit a flashing lure

and i assure you, it was not what i expected it to be

i still taste its kiss, that dull hook in my lip

is a memory as useless as a rod without a reel

to an anchor ever-dropped, seasick yet still docked

captain spotted napping with his first mate at the wheel,

floating forgetfully along, with no need to be strong

we keep our confessions long and when we pray we keep it short

i drank a thimble full of fire and i'm not ever coming back.

oh my god.

i do not exist we faithfully insist

while watching sink the heavy ship of everything we knew

goodbye brandon.  goodbye forever. 

i won't always love these selfish things.

Sigur Ros
from ( )
Track 4


the song of the moment for me.


I did something drastic to try to get my head back on straight. I'm not sure it worked. I feel like I'm just fooling myself. If I keep telling myself that I want something enough maybe I'll start to believe it.

yeah maybe.

i'm lying through my teeth about anything that has to do with myself. anything that has to do with my feelings.
how can i have an answer to those questions when i don't even know?


i just hope i don't do something stupid before i'm back to feeling normal.


no matter how many hearts i break, i always break mine the most.



this weekend flipped my world upside down again. i never thought i would be betrayed by the person i was. looking back on it, i should have known better. Heeded my warnings.


you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20.

i should be used to this, i've been betrayed by so many of my friends i can't even keep track anymore. for some reason, it never gets easier.

don't ever question my trust issues ever again.

i guess this is goodbye.

goodbye
hello
and
i don't know.


story of my life.

ok, i believe you

but my tommy gun don't.
i am heaven sent,
don't you dare forget.
i am all you've ever wanted,
what all the other boys all promised.
sorry i told. i just needed you to know.
i think in decimals and dollars.
i am the cause to all your problems,
shelter from cold. we are never alone.
coordinate brain and mouth.
then ask me whats it like to have
myself so figured out.
i wish i knew..

i hope this song starts a craze.
the kind of song that ignites the airwaves.
the kind of song that makes people glad
to be where they are,
with whoever they're there with.
this is war.
every line is about,
who i don't wanna write about anymore.
hope you come down with something
they can't diagnose, don't have the cure for.
holding on to your grudge.
oh its so hard to have someone to love.
and keeping quiet is hard.
cuz you cant keep a secret
if it never was a secret to start.
at least pretend you didn't wanna get caught..

we're concentrating on falling apart.
we were contenders, we're throwing the fight
but i just wanna believe, i just wanna believe,
i just wanna believe, in us.

Oh, we're so c-c-c-c-c-controversial.
we are entirely smooth.
we admit to the truth,
we are the best at what we do.
and these are the words you wish you wrote down.
this is the way you wish your voice sounds,
handsome and smart.
oh my tongue's the only muscle on my body
that works harder than my heart.
and its all from watching tv,
and from speeding up my breathing.
wouldnt stop if i could.
oh it hurts to be this good.
you're holding on to your grudge.
oh it hurts to always have to be honest
with the one that you love.
oh, so let it go..

this is the grace that only we can bestow.
this is the price you pay for loss of control.
this is the break in the bend,
this is the closest of calls.
this is the reason your alone,
this is the rise and the fall.

and this time.. it's not about a boy.

it's time for changes to happen.


this is war

they never said it would be easy

but it would be worth it



so... we have a place.. we've had one for a couple of weeks.
I have a job. I work for Parker West Interiors as an Administrative Assistant.
it pays well so that's cool.

Brandon and I are getting along great.


It seems like everything is falling into place. That makes me very nervous. It's not perfect here, there are a lot of things that are stressful but it's right.


it really truly is.
i think i finally found home.



ANYWAY.

Liz is coming to visit us this weekend. SO excited. We're gonna tear up the town! Trouble Tour 2008! haha Brandon's going to be staying the whole weekend too so it'll be a full house here... and we only have one bathroom... ohhhh boyyyy
I'm thinking, party friday night, Santa Monica/Beach saturday, Jeremy's show and more party saturday night, SLEEPING sunday haha

sounds great to me.

the weather here is BEAUTIFUL. Brandon and I went to Long Beach on Saturday and just walked forever. it was PERFECT. seriously. Then we built a fort in his living room. haha yeah. we're 5

well. that's all.
i leave you now with pictures.

i said from the start

that you could take it or leave it


i'd prefer that you keep it














so we're here


still no home of our own but it's in the works (cross your fingers for us... we're dying for our own place)








i've been kinda sad. i miss home and a lot of people in it, but i can feel great things are coming from all of this.


i'm still randomly excited.


go figure, i confuse even myself.








Sig and Mike are coming to visit us soon. I'm pretty excited about that....





ok really excited. i love those guys.





the drive was long. it took us 9 hours to get here. between accidents on the freeway (and the 5 being shut down in stockton for an hour and a half), driving through rain, no visability over the grapevine and jackass drivers, i'm surprised we made it at all.








but it was nice to have some time to myself to just think. Yes I drove by myself, no it is not the first time.





and there were random moments of beauty too.

not going to lie..... it's been raining on and off since we got here. Although it is still in the 60's during the day.

i would still appreciate some solid sunshine.

we went on a picnic yesterday. it was fun.

i guess that's all.